If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
