it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
