You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
