I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
