i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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