Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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