His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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