I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
