I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
