I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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