after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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