OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
