U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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