...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
