he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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