Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
