Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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