he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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