Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
