My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's shark week go big or go home
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
