I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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