i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
