I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize