just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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