My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
