i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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