I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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