ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
