Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
