I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
