It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm passing your future prison.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
