U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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