I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
