I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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