I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
