Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
