I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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