I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
