the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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