Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
