I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
