He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
