Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
