she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
