Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
