i just had sex bonerless
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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