my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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