Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
