Did you just see the Batmobile???
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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