Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
