I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
