she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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