I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize