my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
