Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
