lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
