Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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