How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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