I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
