I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
