What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
