today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
